Trying Softer: How to move into a life of more connection and joy

Many of us were taught, directly or indirectly, that the way through hard things is to push harder. Work more. Pull yourself up. Keep going. In Try Softer: A Fresh Approach to Move Us out of Anxiety, Stress, and Survival Mode and into a Life of Connection and Joy, therapist Aundi Kolber offers a different model, one rooted in nervous system science, attachment theory, and self-compassion.

The Problem With "Trying Harder"

Aundi writes about a pattern that many people find themselves in: overfunctioning until they are exhausted. When we treat every difficult emotion as something to override rather than understand, we end up disconnected from our own bodies and from the people around us. Trying softer isn't about giving up, it's about replacing “trying harder”  with kind, compassionate attention.

Paying Attention To Our Bodies

A central idea in the book is that our bodies hold onto stress and past experience. She draws on trauma-informed and somatic approaches to explain why some reactions feel bigger than the present moment seems to call for, and how learning to notice physical sensation can be a doorway into emotional understanding.

Attachment Shapes How We Cope

Aundi also walks readers through attachment theory, exploring how early relationships shape the patterns we bring into adult relationships and how we relate to ourselves under stress. Recognizing your own attachment style is a practical tool for understanding why certain situations trigger our reactions, and for building more secure patterns going forward.

Compassion as a Skill

One the most important contribution of the book is its reframing of self-compassion as something to practice, not something you either have or don't. Kolber offers concrete exercises for noticing the inner critic, pausing before reacting, and responding to yourself the way you might respond to someone you care about.

The Role of Spirituality 

It's worth knowing that Aundi writes from a faith-based perspective, and the book weaves in spiritual reflection alongside the clinical material. However, if you do not have a particular faith or religious belief, the core ideas about nervous system awareness, attachment theory, and self-compassion, are grounded in psychology and can be applied to your own life and value system. 

Why This Is Important

If you've spent years pushing through anxiety or stress and calling it strength, hard-work, or determination, Aundi’s invites readers to notice what's happening in your body and your relationships, meet it with curiosity instead of judgment, and move away from survival mode. It Is possible to have a life filled with connection, joy and compassion even when we experience difficult things!

If you want to work with a licensed therapist on growing in self compassion, self awareness, and relational connection, reach out to us today!

Source: Kolber, Aundi. Try Softer: A Fresh Approach to Move Us out of Anxiety, Stress, and Survival Mode—and into a Life of Connection and Joy. Tyndale Momentum, 2020.