Attachment Styles 101: The Basics of How We Connect

Given our childhood and the environments we grew up in, we all form an attachment style. This is because we were made for connection and need it. There are moments when we feel secure in relationships, but there are also moments where we might be uncertain about the connection. Everyone responds differently when they feel disconnected from someone they love. Sometimes we move toward people, sometimes we move away, and sometimes we might even do both. Attachment helps us understand the responses we might have when trying to form relationships. Attachment is not about being needy, independent, difficult, or “too much”. It is simply part of being human.

What Is Attachment?

Attachment is our need for connection, safety, and belonging. Not only is it formed in our earliest years of life, but this is what shaped our view about connection. In our earliest relationships, we develop expectations about ourselves, other people, and relationships. So these expectations then influence how we navigate, respond, and engage in relationships as adults. As humans, it is natural to constantly ask, consciously or unconsciously, “Am I safe? Am I loved? Can I trust you? Can I be myself with you? Will you still be there when things get hard?”. This is all because of how we formed our attachment bonds or the lack of bonds with caregivers, people we should have been able to trust, people who loved us, and more.

Attachment Styles Can Look Different For Everyone

There are four different attachment styles we may gravitate towards:

• Anxious/Preoccupied Attachment:

  • This attachment may be formed due to an inconsistent parenting pattern. Oftentimes, symptoms in an adult include thinking highly of others, low self-esteem, and not feeling worthy of love. 

• Avoidant Attachment:

  • This attachment style can develop when caregivers are emotionally distant, discourage emotional expression, or place a strong emphasis on independence. In adulthood, this may look like being highly self-reliant, having difficulty depending on others, and feeling uncomfortable with emotional closeness or vulnerability.

• Fearful-Avoidant/Disorganized Attachment:

  • This attachment style can develop when a child experiences relationships as both a source of comfort and a source of fear or uncertainty. In adulthood, this can look like wanting closeness while also feeling afraid of it, difficulty trusting others, and moving between seeking connection and pulling away. 

• Secure Attachment:

  • This attachment style generally develops when caregivers are consistently responsive, emotionally available, and able to provide a sense of safety. In adulthood, it may look like feeling comfortable with closeness, trusting others, communicating needs, and being able to maintain connection while also having a healthy sense of independence.

    
    

What Attachment Looks Like In Everyday Life

Ways to identify an attachment response is by looking at the emotions you feel in certain situations. How we respond when someone does not text back, how we handle a disagreement, whether we want to resolve conflict immediately or need space, how comfortable we are asking for help, what we do when we feel misunderstood, and the list goes on. The answer to each of these questions tells us a little more about our attachment that was formed at a young age. There is not one “right” way that attachment shows up, so it is important to give ourselves and the child we once were some grace.

Why Can Relationships Bring Out Strong Reactions?

The people we are most connected to have the greatest ability to affect us. This is why we might notice our reactions are stronger with those we want and seek connection from. A small moment of distance can feel much bigger when the relationship really matters to us. Conflict can create fears about rejection, abandonment, losing independence, and not being good enough. Attachment teaches us that our reaction is not always about what is happening in the present moment. Our reactions have many parts behind them: a part of you wanting to withdraw, a part of you becoming anxious, or another part desperately trying to make things okay. 

Attachment Is NOT About Labeling Yourself

Today, there are many resources that can teach us about attachment, or even tell us that we should be defining ourselves based on our attachment. You are more than the attachment you formed.At Trellis, we can help provide a new perspective on attachment: 

• Attachment styles are not diagnoses. 

• They are not fixed identities

• They do not tell the whole story about a person. 

• Someone can respond securely in one relationship and not another. 

• Stress, trauma, relationship dynamics, and life circumstances can all influence how we respond.

  
  

Can Attachment Patterns Change? 

At Trellis Therapy, we specialize in helping you understand your attachment story, build healthier relationships you deserve, and create safety step by step while deciding what repair looks like in relationships to be secure. We can help you build security through self-awareness, understanding your relational patterns, learning to recognize when you are dysregulated, gaining grounding skills, how to communicate your needs, and more. 

Reach out to us today if you want to learn more about your attachment story and how it may be impacting your marriage, friendships, and other connections that are important to you! Schedule a free phone consultation here. 

The Attachment Project: Learn attachment theory from experts. Attachment Project. (2025, June 12). https://www.attachmentproject.com/