Why does Sexual Desire Fluctuate? How Accelerators and Brakes Shape Intimacy

Sexual desire is complex, deeply personal, and often misunderstood. In Come as You Are, Emily Nagoski explains that sexual desire is not simply “on” or “off” but a dynamic balance between what she calls sexual accelerators and sexual brakes. Understanding how these work can help individuals and couples navigate desire with greater compassion, reduce shame, and strengthen intimacy.

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The Accelerator and Brake Metaphor

Nagoski helps us understand sexual desire by comparing it to how parts of a car work.

• Accelerators are the factors that increase arousal and motivation for sexual activity. They might include emotional connection, physical touch, feeling desired, positive body image, or erotic cues.

• Brakes are the factors that inhibit sexual desire or make arousal difficult. Stress, fatigue, negative body image, unresolved conflict, or feeling unsafe can all act as brakes.

  
  

Every person has a unique combination of accelerators and brakes. The presence of brakes does not mean something is inherently wrong, just like in a car, brakes can help keep us safe! It is simply how our brains and bodies regulate sexual desire. Even small brakes can overpower strong accelerators, explaining why desire can fluctuate in ways that feel confusing or frustrating.

Why This Matters for Understanding Sexual Desire

Understanding the accelerator and brake system can reduce shame and self-criticism. Instead of blaming yourself or your partner for experiencing lower desire, you can begin to explore:

• Which accelerators make you feel turned on

• Which brakes tend to get in the way of experiencing the sexual connection you want

• How to reduce the brakes and enhance the accelerators in your relationship

  
  

Nagoski emphasizes that sexual desire is highly context-dependent. Environmental stressors, relationship dynamics, mood, and overall wellbeing all influence the balance between accelerators and brakes. By paying attention to these factors, individuals and couples can cultivate a healthier, more satisfying sexual connection.

Gain More Understanding

If sexual desire feels inconsistent, confusing, or challenging in your relationship, therapy can provide guidance and support. At Trellis Therapy, we help individuals and couples explore desire, intimacy, and connection in a safe, judgment-free space. Our therapists have training in systemic sex therapy and work with you and your partner on a variety of issues.

Reach out today to begin your journey toward understanding and enhancing your sexual connection.

Citation

Nagoski, E. (2015). Come as you are: The surprising new science that will transform your sex life. New York, NY: Simon & Schuster